Many people think that self-esteem means confidence – and confidence does come into it – but it’s rather more than that. The word ‘esteem’ comes from a Latin word that means ‘to estimate’. Self-esteem is how you estimate yourself.
You can’t touch it, but it affects how you feel. You can’t see it but it’s there when you look at yourself in the mirror. You can’t hear it, but it’s there every time you talk about yourself. Self-esteem is how much you value yourself and how important you think you are. It’s knowing you are worthy of love and respect and accepting your limitations and boundaries. It’s how you see yourself and how you feel about your achievements. Self-esteem affects how you think, act and even how you relate to other people. It affects your potential to be successful.
Origins of self-esteem
The level of self-esteem you have originates from the psychological messages you were given by the significant people in your life as you were growing up. Esteem is something that parents give to their children, and part of growing up is learning to be less dependent on parental approval for esteem and developing an inner source for it – i.e: self-esteem. You can get low self-esteem if, instead of positive reinforcement, the messages you were given were negative ones. You then grow up believing that you are worthless. This is not true, but you end up believing it – that is, you end up believing a lie.
Teaching children how to value and respect themselves to build their self-esteem is one of the most valuable lessons we can give them. If children are taught these lessons from an early age it will make a considerable difference to how they see themselves as adults and what they can become.
Building self esteem
Change is not easy. It means stepping into the great unknown which involves taking risks. Some initiatives will work well, while others won’t be as good as you had hoped. You can help yourself by being realistic in your choices and seeing each success as a step in the right direction.
Changes no matter how small all add up. Call on other people to help you by being encouraging, taking an interest, giving feedback, and making suggestions.
Look after yourself
Recognise the importance of taking care of your physical and mental health – this builds resilience and helps you cope with the pressures of life. Exercise can help you to feel good about your body. Pay attention to how you stand and walk. Think tall. Eat healthy and regular meals and make sure you get enough sleep. Pamper yourself.
Do things for pleasure, for fun
Put some effort into making life pleasurable and satisfying. Learn something new. Maybe something you have always wanted to try, or something you never thought you could do.
Cultivate good relationships – with yourself and others
Are you expecting more of yourself than you do of others? If you can accept the mistakes and variability of other people, why not accept being “good enough” in relation to yourself? Join in with others. Do not assume you are not important; other people have an effect on you and you affect them. Be prepared to say you don’t know. Talk about yourself. Do not pretend or hide. Take care not to push other people away through being negative about yourself. Accept your views as valid and learn to be tolerant of others
Use rewards but avoid punishments.
We do not like other people saying nasty things about us so why say them to yourself? Listen to how you treat yourself – the internal conversation. Low self-esteem makes it difficult to identify strong points, but it does not mean you do not have them – only that they are unfamiliar to you. Reward yourself – buy yourself a little treat. Do something you particularly enjoy but don’t often get round to. Avoid as much as possible situations and people that leave you feeling bad about yourself.
Take responsibility
It is no good waiting for others or circumstances to leave us feeling better about ourselves. So, accept responsibility for your own actions: as we cannot make other people change, we need to make the changes ourselves.
If you get stuck or find it impossible to know where to start with these suggestions, maybe you can talk it through with a friend or family member, or someone else you trust.
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