Losing a baby during any stage of pregnancy is a very sad and painful experience; this is especially true when the loss is experienced through a still birth.
A still birth happens much further into the pregnancy and it is not uncommon for the mother to have to go through the labour so not only does she suffer the loss of losing her baby but also the physical and emotional trauma of giving birth. Unlike other neonatal deaths, still births need to be registered with a registrar and for some there will be the organising of a burial or memorial service to contend with.
Grieving
Immediately following any significant loss you can expect to feel shock and denial. This is your body’s natural coping mechanism when faced with emotional trauma. The reality of your loss needs time to sink in. You may feel numbness, disbelief and hysteria. All are natural responses and help cushion you against the loss, experiencing it more slowly.
Although you are confronted with the evidence of your loss at this next stage of the grieving cycle it is not uncommon to “protest” that the loss cannot be real as you struggle between acceptance and denial of loss. It is likely that you will feel powerful emotions such as anger, guilt sadness and fear. Parents may also find themselves pining for their child.
Disorganisation and despair. At this stage the reality of your loss is only too real. There may be immense feelings of anxiety, confusion and bleakness. It may feel like this depression could go on indefinitely and that you will never find a way out or indeed recover at all. You may experience periods of apathy and despair.
The final stage in this cycle of grief is reorganisation. This is when you start to gradually rebuild your life and gain a greater balance. You should notice an increase in energy levels and begin to enjoy activities you did before your loss. Slowly you will return to normal functioning.
Grieving is a natural process of events that needs to be acknowledged and worked through, what you are experiencing, although painful, is a normal reaction to your loss.
Partners
It does not follow that two parents sharing the loss of a child will grieve in the same way. Men generally prefer to hold in their grief and to be seen as staying “strong” whilst women tend to feel more freedom to express their pain and ask for help. When faced with difficulties partners usually turn to each other for comfort and support, but such is the intensity of the grief experienced following the loss a baby that it can prove too difficult to support each other. It is not uncommon for tension and conflict to arise. Be kind and sensitive to each other’s needs; allow your partner the space he or she needs to grieve.
Coping with your loss
Talk to each other – Parents need to share their thoughts and feelings, don’t bottle them up. Talk about your baby son or daughter. Remember your partner is likely to be experiencing similar if not the same pain as you are.
Use your extended support network, talk to members of your family or close friends. Seek spiritual comfort from religious leaders.
Join a support group. Seek professional help – don’t struggle alone, ask for help.
Make a memory or keepsake box for your baby – Put together some photographs, a lock of hair or a hospital bracelet. Keep a journal or write poems for your baby.
It’s important to look after your physical needs whilst you are grieving, especially so for the mother, eat a healthy diet, take some regular exercise and get plenty of rest.
Should you need further information or support, further information is contained on our web site and in the links below.
workplacewellbeing.com assumes no responsibility for the content of linked websites.
Further information
SANDS – An organisation which can offer you and your family members support when your baby dies during pregnancy or after birth.
The Child Death Helpline is a helpline for anyone affected by the death of a child of any age, from pre-birth to adult, under any circumstances, however recently or long ago.
