Splitting-up can come as a shock, even if there has been an indication for a while that things were not working out. It can be a difficult and stressful process for all those involved. Divorce or dissolution and separation needs to be seen as an ongoing process rather than a single event. The personal side of divorce/separation usually starts long before the separation takes place and ends quite some time after.
Separation can be and often is emotionally painful and can affect even those who may not be directly involved. During this time support may be needed to help to adapt to the changes. Being able to understand why the separation has happened is an important part of being able to come to terms with the situation.
Below are some practical things that need to be considered and in talking and thinking about these they may assist you in your understanding of what has happened:
- Acceptance that the relationship is over.
- Accepting responsibility for the relationship rather than blaming – for example, asking how to have we changed rather than who did what.
- Support for children – who will they live with? What will the arrangements for contact be?
- Considering what might be involved in separating – legal process etc.
- Looking at the practical issues of money and property – who gets what?
- Thinking about the emotional issues – for you and the children.
- Telling people – family and friends and other important people, such as your children’s school.
Knowing what resources you have to draw on can help you cope more effectively:
- Techniques you have for relaxing (going to the cinema or yoga, maybe).
- Strategies for coping (counting to ten or taking ‘time out’, getting information etc).
- Friends or family members on whom you can rely for help and support.
Children and young people
During the process of separation or divorce most children and young people are likely to feel sad, frustrated, angry or anxious and tend to express these feelings in their behaviour. A child may experience a sense of loss or even feel responsible. Children often wish their parents had stayed together or hope there will be reconciliation.
Try to be understanding, listen to them and respond with openness and honesty. Children can create their own sense of what is happening if it is not explained. It is normal for children and young people to experience loss of self-esteem and to feel unhappy. Be prepared – your child may have lots of questions. They may have fears about possible changes like moving, loss of friends and other ways in which their life may change which can all be cause for concern.
To aid a child’s continued development during separation it is important that they continue to have, where possible, contact and communication with both parents, this often helps them to adapt to the situation.
Difficulties can occur for children when parents find new partners or where new children come to live in the household. In time, most children adapt to the changes. In a minority of children adverse effects, such as problem behaviour, may be experienced.
It is important to understand how children can be supported
- Talk to your child as soon as you are certain of your plans to live apart.
- Ensure your children know it is not their fault.
- Continue to talk to your children about what is happening throughout the process.
- If you feel you are going to get to upset, ask someone else (perhaps a relative) to talk to them.
- Encourage your children to talk openly about their feelings.
- It is important not to criticise or put your partner down in front of your children. It can be distressing for a child to hear a parent being criticised.
- Remember not to use the children as messengers or go-betweens.
- Be aware that the children may resist changes as they adapt to the new situation.
- Build a support network for yourself through friends, support groups and counselling.
- Consider professional help for your child if he/she is really struggling to cope with the changes.
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