Healthy long-term relationships are built on a foundation of trust, respect and understanding. There also has to be a desire to be committed and tolerant and to be prepared to make an effort. All relationships can experience problems, but it is the ability to deal with these that test the strength of the bond and can in the long run strengthen the relationship.
Compatibility
- Common interests, needs and belief systems provide a good start
- Opposites can form happy and healthy relationships by learning to maintain a balance
Deciding if someone is compatible may take time involving a long courtship or a period of living together. It can involve discussing hopes and fears, ambitions and beliefs which may unfold naturally or as a specific part of the relationship using compatibility tests and questions or attending couple counselling.
Compatibility – the research
Some psychologists put forward the belief that many adults carry early childhood experiences such as patterns of rejection or betrayal into their relationships and may unconsciously encourage repeat patterns and attract or be attracted to partners with a similar background.
Sex therapists agree that a fulfilling sexual compatibility (quality rather than frequency) is an important component of a successful relationship.
Another recent survey concluded that couples who have high self-esteem and an independent identity tend to last longer.
Keeping a relationship healthy:
- Respect yourself and your partner
- Make time for each other
- Communicate – listen – talk – argue
- Adaptation and acceptance
- Have fun.
Marriage/civil partnerships
Couples in or starting a long-term relationship sometimes consider making a public statement of their intention and commitment through marriage or civil partnership. When deciding to marry or form a civil partnership it is important to prepare and consider what this will involve and so reduce confusion and misunderstanding later.
Some issues to consider:
- Changes to individual freedom
- Starting a family
- Impact on your career path
- Financial impact
- Sharing the workload in the home
Plus many more…
Communication
Communication is central to our personal and working lives and knowing how, when and what to say can be key to any relationship. Clear honest and appropriate communication can enhance a relationship leading to an increase in wellbeing and self-esteem. There are a number of skills that can be learnt to assist with good communication.
It is better to communicate our needs and desires rather than to make assumptions as it only then that we can be sure that we are understood and that we understand what our partner’s needs are. It is easy for our past experiences to enter into a present relationship leading to difficulties. Forming a close relationship means that we are able to see past our differences and defences.
Discussing your differences
The most common difficulties that arise are often as a result of money, children, sex, in-laws, housework and personal habits. These issues can often lead to disagreements and arguments but usually it is not the content of conflict that is of high importance but how we deal with the conflict when it arises.
- It is best to avoid difficult conversations when others are about so try to make time to speak in private.
- Agree to let the other speak – this can involve rules about time limits e.g. 5-10 minutes each without interrupting.
- Try and listen to what your partner says rather than speaking over them, interrupting or finishing their sentences.
- Try to focus on the current problem rather than bringing up old problems and issues from the past.
- Try to use “I” rather than blaming “you” statements e.g. I feel upset/angry when I come home from work tired and the dishes have not been done.
- Avoid name calling or insults
- Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and try and see it from their position. Recognising and acknowledging their feelings can be a move towards reconciliation.
- Being able to stay calm and reasonable is often more productive – anger will only inflame the situation.
- Resorting to violence is not acceptable in any healthy relationship. Where violence has been or may be an issue you will need support and advice.
- Try to avoid “waffle” or becoming caught up in trivialities – Be precise and explain your position as clearly as you can – if you are uncertain about what your partner is saying, asking them to clarify what they mean.
- Look for options, solutions and compromises – It is not about winning.
- It is ok to agree to disagree if you really can’t agree or resolve the issue.
- If it is appropriate try to ease the tension with humour – it can often move an argument on.
Recognise your own part in the situation
When we are in the middle of a difficult situation and our emotions are strong it is sometimes hard to see things clearly or to be aware of the part that we are playing in the problem. Sometimes it is helpful to step back and reflect on our own behaviour and thought processes.
Some things to consider:
- What are the real issues – are you arguing about something small but really worried or angry about something else?
- Are you in a good place to discuss – would “sleeping on it” be a better plan?
- Is this about resolution or do you really want to win and take your revenge?
- Do you want to solve the problem, or do you want your partner to give in to you, say sorry and admit they’re in the wrong?
- Check that you are not mind reading or assuming the worst and be cautious of telling your partner you “know” how they feel?
- Be aware of past experiences from childhood or from a previous relationship that may still have an impact upon the present. Abuse or abandonment in the past can badly affect the way you function in a current relationship.
- Are you being a rational, logical and negotiating adult or are you descending into a moody child or controlling parent which may not be helping the process?
It is not always easy to think honestly about yourself and how you tend to respond to criticism and arguments. A lot depends upon how much you want to build bridges and whether you are prepared to let go of your own agenda.
When disagreement occurs it may be helpful to reflect on how important your relationship is to your life and wellbeing.
If you are able to be open to change and doing things differently there is a greater chance of resolution.
When it’s time to say goodbye
Relationships can end after a particularly difficult life event or tragedy, an affair or other problems that cannot be overcome or forgiven. At this point couples may feel that they cannot continue in their relationship. Try to think clearly rather than emotionally about the possible consequences of staying or leaving the relationship and the possibility of reconciliation.
You might need to consider:
- How much do you still like/love/respect each other?
- What are your partner’s good qualities?
- Is it possible to change and compromise?
- Is it possible to let go of past issues?
- Can you trust each other?
- Have you or your partner started to create a new life already?
To help make what can be a difficult decision to end a relationship some couples decide to have counselling to clarify their feelings and come to a decision.
Check that you are not staying together for all the “wrong” reasons?
- For the children
- For fear of loneliness
- For financial security
There are some obvious signs that an ending may be close:
- If you are not able to forgive a mistake.
- If you are holding onto resentment, guilt or shame for months or years without anything really changing
- If requests for love and affection are ignored or demeaned.
- If you are developing new interests that take up a lot of time and energy to the detriment of your relationship.
- If you start a new relationship or become promiscuous.
- If you feel that your needs are not being met or that your partner has lost interest in you as a person
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