The death of child challenges the natural order of things; parents expect to watch their children grow up, move into adulthood, maybe have their own children. Parents expect to die before their child, which is the natural course of events.
No matter how young a child is, an intense bond of attachment is formed between a parent and their child, so the loss of a child will be accompanied by tremendous pain and sadness. It is said that losing a child is one of the hardest and most stressful of life’s events imaginable and a loss that typically parents never get over, but one which they may eventually find a way of integrating into their daily lives.
The Emotional cost
Initially and immediately following any significant loss you can expect to feel shock and denial. This is your body’s natural coping mechanism when faced with emotional trauma. The reality of your loss needs time to sink in. You may feel numbness, disbelief and hysteria. All are natural responses and help cushion you against the loss, experiencing it more slowly.
Although you are confronted with the evidence of your loss at this next stage of the grieving cycle it is not uncommon to “protest” that the loss cannot be real as you struggle between acceptance and denial of loss. It is likely that you will feel powerful emotions such as anger, guilt, sadness and fear. Parents may find themselves pining for their child.
Disorganisation and despair. Now, the reality of your loss is only too real. There may be immense feelings of anxiety, confusion and bleakness. It may feel like this depression could go on indefinitely and that you will never find a way out or indeed recover at all. You may experience periods of apathy and despair.
The final stage in this cycle of grief is reorganisation. This is when you start to gradually rebuild your life and gain a greater balance. You should notice an increase in energy levels and begin to enjoy some of the activities you did before your loss. Slowly you will return to normal functioning.
Grieving is a rollercoaster of intense and extreme behaviour and feelings, its unpredictable with highs, low and many a setback. There is no right or wrong way to grieve nor are there short cuts; it is a natural process of events that needs to be acknowledged and worked through.
Coping with your loss
Grief is unique; despite sharing the same loss each parent will express their grief differently and at their own pace. Be sensitive to each other’s needs and offer each other the space you need. Be aware that it is not uncommon for conflict to develop between parents due to a lack of understanding.
Parents need to communicate with each other and share their thoughts and feelings – they need to talk about their son or daughter.
Keep a journal; it can be helpful to put down in words how you are feeling.
Join a support group – they offer a safe place to talk about your loss, and all the emotions you are feeling. They can help the bereaved parents by sharing their own experiences of loss.
Seek professional support – one to one counselling or family therapy. Don’t struggle alone with your feelings.
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Further information
The Child Death Helpline is a helpline for anyone affected by the death of a child of any age, from pre-birth to adult, under any circumstances, however recently or long ago.
www.childdeathhelpline.org.uk/
Compassionate friends – A charitable organisation of bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents dedicated to the support and care of other bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents who have suffered the death of a child/children.
The Child Bereavement Trust – Offers confidential telephone support and online forums, along with training for professionals working with grieving families and children
Winston’s Wish provides help and support to children or young people following the death of a parent or sibling.
SANDS (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society) a self-help organisation for parents who have experienced the loss of a baby
Scottish Cot Death Trust has bereavement support workers and offers a befriending service to support bereaved families.
